THE DUTY TO COMPLY
was tired. I needed solitude. I put on my jacket three quarters of thick wool, beige on brown jersey and jeans. I trace the cord flat shoes and out into the street. I needed to think ... or not think of anything ... let the mind go blank for a long time. I did not know what to do, had no clear ideas. Everything seemed unreal. My life with Bruno ... my children ... my home ... I felt a strong rejection of everything I had, hated the reality of my life and did not know how to change it. It would be better to say that he could not change.
I walked down the lonely walk lined with deciduous trees carpeted the ground with a crust of yellow and brown. I amused myself by dragging your feet dry leaves while listening to the clicks produced by shredding. The streetlights went on offering a dim light, mixed with the fading sunset, creating an atmosphere in the fictional environment ... As my own life, I thought. A life that did not love. Suddenly, it started snowing, big flakes like a white down, falling on my jacket over my hair, on my lips with a cold kiss. It occurred to me that it was time for the climate. We were still in autumn, summer had elongated more than normal and now the time was a monumental shift, it snowed. I could not help comparing it with my mood. That happened to me, the warmth of family environment, of union with all the children and spouse, the cold of the loneliness of the soul. However, he did not want to return. And for the umpteenth time I thought of the need to be alone, to analyze my life. But for a few minutes or hours, no. Needed much time to tidy up my inner life shattered.
When I got home and I had decided I was leaving. I knew I be labeled crazy but I did not care. I drove an urgent need to reconsider in the solitude of a different environment. Should clarify what was happening inside me and get back to being myself and that needed to be alone and think ... think ...
few days later, I moved to the provincial town. City secluded, tucked between mountains, guarded by a blue sky and announcing the winter cold. The silence of the streets I was seduced. The inhabitants, each one dedicated to him, I observed, at first with curiosity, then I forgot. The house was to myself and settled back with care taken me a few personal belongings. Once installed, I began to identify with the interior, with walls exhaled breath. Slowly walked rooms one by one, peered, behind the curtains, the lonely place where it was exhibited in the center, a huge old fig tree and surrounded by a sill to sit, at the time void, and rest under their foliage. The cold winters of old Castile was felt and people are hunkered down at home in the heat of the fire.
spent a few days of rest, silence and analysis of a thankless life, full of obligations harassing, yes, but mixed with the freedom of times and when required. Adela was my neighbor, a woman about my age, but hardened by life on the field and talk, communicate and make friends. He told me how he had left the hut and garden on the outskirts of the city to be near her daughter; an older woman married to a man surly than he had had three children, two boys and a girl. Both mother and daughter, helped to each other, explaining their histories, they communicated the gossip of the neighborhood and the small town and lived in mutual collusion of small town life slow and old.
accompany began searching for a ride. Used to come near midday, especially on sunny days. Well sheltered both walked towards the hill, we climbed to the chapel and there rested happily enduring the cold air of the Sierra. So began the confidences.
My name was Adela Ocean but did not like, said no woman's name appeared and gave the occurrence of adding the final vowel that determines the female's name and that name, Mara, I was, laughing from occurring. Freedom of the proper time filled my life a little lazy. I was happy. I communicated with the kids on the phone and they came to see me some weekend or I would go on the train to the capital and there had breakfast with them, did some shopping capricious, had their troubles me though that detail always created in me a concern I did not understand in all its dimensions. Intuition told me that those confidences, a feeling was hidden in a veiled way without ever coming to light and that turmoil hurt me just because of their ignorance. Then, everyone is going to your site. I had total independence. I was not anyone or anything, I had to force me or give, each and every one of us was in their correct places, but, however, that emancipation, began to look big, too much like a jersey that not mine. And then came the question "What was I doing there? Alone, no chores to mark a pattern in my life ... What served me freedom?
The answer came by itself. One morning I had a new phone call from my oldest daughter. Luis, the younger brother had fallen ill and although it was nothing serious according to doctors, just a flu epidemic in the cold winter, after a pointless conversation, I said reluctantly: "Mom ...
, Luisito is left alone at home ... We can not take care and when we we're too tired to spend time ... - stayed a few moments in silence while I assimilated her words that caused me intense pain in the heart and concluded: - ... Mom ... you need ... Those words broke
the dam containing my pain and spread throughout my being. In my mind again raises the question, "What am I doing here? ", however, at the same time, an intense anger took possession of that part of my freedom rebel who called loudly. "They're older, you know taking care of themselves," trying to justify these words, my refusal to return home to fulfill an obligation he detested. And with rage, replied:
-Luis is enough to take care of the flu ..
"But mom ..." he interrupted and not allowing the end of the phrase, repeated pluralize:
-not insist ... I will not go. I'll talk to him on the phone. I too have a cold and I'm alone, but I'm happy. We used to, everyone should live their lives.
"Mother ... 'said my daughter needed to come, things do not work, you need, really.
hung up angry. Back again to impose a life activity that is not wanted and I faced the target as if it were an enemy. Gradually calmed my mood and sanity prevailed. Took shape in my mind like a potter at his wheel to create spin and spin a set figure and well designed. Tears started rolling down my cheeks to understand the sheer reality of my life.
The next day I packed my bags, bought a few gifts and walked alone in the streets of the city that had given shelter my doubts and my struggles. I had to accept it, my duty was at home with the children, although they were older. My hands were offered consolation, my words clarifying uncertainties, which reconciled my peace of mind fighting, and my person was the refuge of daily fatigue but I was exhausted. I was the strength of them and the peace of their battles. Yes, I was needed. I knew that losing my freedom again, but life to fulfill the duty imposed on me. That or it was my own selfish independence. And claudiqué. I said goodbye to crying in the old stone of the nearby mountains, visited the shrine daily walks with ... Adela, Adela ... the new friend, the spirited companion and quiet, no more our confidence. Convoluted back to life in the capital, my obligations to comply with a continuous duty.
the morning, with the suitcase, said goodbye to Adele. As I went way to the station, I heard his voice:
- Mara ...!
When they heard this name that she had added a different note, I turned to her with a smile. There was, in the doorway with one hand raised in a gesture of farewell. I gave a farewell and I only heard the stones around me and kept walking. Gone was my freedom, my independence, I expect a future Compliance and obligations but my heart was calm. MAGDA.
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